Posted by Miss K on May 14, 2012
My family gave me this little beauty for Mother’s Day.
via @mooningduck
It arrived after my mimosa, coffee and breakfast which contained bacon. Nothing says “I Love You Mom” like a day which begins with bacon and booze. We hope all of you Saucy Mother’s enjoyed your day.
~Miss K
Posted by Miss K on May 8, 2012
What Do You Mean They Didn't Say Thank You!
Dear Broads,
We live in NYC and had a baby about 7 months ago. We know how thin the walls are in our building so, a few weeks ago, we sent all our neighbors a bottle of really good champagne thanking them for their patience and for putting up with any late night noises. Nearly all of my neighbors said thank you, except for one. Of course I’m obsessing on the one. Am I a bitch and totally hormonal because I’m a little miffed by their not saying anything? (I’d like to add, too, that no one gave us so much as a card welcoming the baby.) I know it’s weird to thank someone for a thank you gift, but I thought it deserved at least a “Hey, I got the champagne” or something. Am I wrong?
Hormonally harumphing
Dear Hormonal Rage,
Do they need to thank you for the thank you? No, they don’t. Should they mention the thoughtful gift from a nice neighbor, yes. Listen. You will be sensitive to everything right now (I am assuming you are Mom btw). Post baby feelings, grudges, obsessions are heightened. It sounds pretty simple, your neighbors are crotchety baby haters. Let it go and enjoy your new bundle of perfection. You have more important things to worry about right now than a bad neighbor, so try to get some sleep and move along.
Miss K
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Dear Harumpher,
It sounds like you are still high from the fumes of your amazing accomplishments. (Making a human being AND doling out classy champagne.) Yes, you are an amazing baby maker and yes, you are a very considerate neighbor, but not everyone is that incredible or has that Emily Post gene in them. Don’t waste your possible napping time waiting by the mailbox for a thank you note from your mute neighbor. It’s not coming. But, if you want to put them on the spot, make them wriggle and get the thank you you’re looking for, why not just flat out ask them if they got your gift? There’s nothing wrong with asking. Then you’ll probably get the acknowledgement you’re looking for and make them uncomfortable, too! But do it soon because before long, junior will be walking and talking and going to college. You’ll be too consumed to be bothered by crappy neighbors.
-Miss S
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Dear Cray Cray with a Bebe -
Lady, you live in NEW YORK FUCKING CITY. You’re lucky your neighbors don’t flip you off simply for having the bad luck for being in the elevator or stairwell at the same time. Yes, it was super nice of you to ply people with bubbly knowing how loud your new lovely bundle of poo was going to be. But that’s where it ends. Just because YOU care about your co-op family doesn’t necessarily mean anyone else cares about you. So take pride in handling yourself in a manner you can be happy with and let it alone. Go get a massage, recall the thick skin you had before you popped the kid out, get the formula out of your hair and let it go.
- Miss T
Posted by Miss K on May 4, 2012
Pay attention my friends because these are words to live by, one of the best tips we can give you. Be kind to bartenders. They serve happiness in a glass and it’s worth the wait.
Have a great weekend!
The Broads
Posted by Miss K on May 2, 2012
Miss S has a very sweet husband. He is always on the look out for a great Saucy Bits photo. Mr. J found this little gem:
We understand the need to diversify your business in this economy, but WTF people. The Sperms?
The Broads
Posted by Miss K on May 1, 2012
I have rules - e-mail RULES!
Dear Saucy Bits,
A neighbor who is in charge of our block association often sends out emails with information we need to know, questions/queries etc. In those emails she states “please do not email me back during the business day” while she is “working”. These emails are sent from her work email address — during business hours. I think she should get a new email address so we can all email her back at our convenience OR don’t read non work related emails while at work. My other neighbors think I’m being too tough. I’m busy enough kind of resent her telling me when I can email her back. What do you say?
Annoyed by the email
Dear Annoyed,
Doesn’t your neighbor know that the internet is the Wild West? There are no RULES in email! Hell, people don’t even use proper punctuation anymore. Her asking you to refrain from responding during business hours is ridiculous — if electronic mail can go out, it can come back in. Yes, she should have a iamselfimportant@gmail.com address or a non-work related point of contact. Your neighbor doesn’t have to respond during her day, but she cannot limit the time frame during which you reach out. That’s like the first amendment or something, yo. Suggest this change and if she resists, there is only one thing you can do……spam her work email with porn. Lots and lots of dirty porn.
- Miss T
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Dear Annoyed,
I think you should write her back immediately, but make sure your email says “AUTO REPLY” in the subject line so you are off the hook. Say something about how you are far too busy to read emails now and that you will get back to this email when it is convenient for you…like in a week or so. Then suggest that senders re send their emails between the fourth and sixth day at around noon but not before 10 or after 4:55. See if that gets her panties in a knot! Okay, I am sure you will not do this, so then I suggest you approach her with the idea of getting a personal or big shot block association email address that she can check when she is good and ready. Her telling you when to respond is such a diva thing to do. And I would like to add how I love that she is too busy at work to read emails, but has the time to send them from work? She must be a pain in the ass. Can you move out of the neighborhood?
-Miss S
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Dear Annoyed,
I smell power trip with a dash of OCD for good measure. Honestly, she thinks she is so very important she couldn’t possibly read your emails at a time that is inconvenient. My guess is she tech challenged and can’t figure out how to open a gmail account which she can then just synch to her phone…. oh wait, she still has a flip phone doesn’t she. My advice. E-mail her whenever it is convenient for YOU and ignore her ridiculous request, I mean can’t she just read this crap later when she’s home from work? It’s time to stage a coup and get this queen dethroned. If that’s not possible just make sure she’s not invited to the fun parties, she sounds like a drag.
Miss K
Posted by MissS on April 18, 2012
Rough neighborhood. I mean, really. Sure little Billy or Sally may not be the sharpest tool in the shed or the fastest runners, but in this politically correct world you would think they would be a little nicer to those non genius or non athletic kids playing. Why not “Children doing the best they can at play”? Or “Children who are a little speed challenged”? Thanks to saucy Shelagh Ratner for this photo!
Posted by MissS on April 17, 2012
Dear Broads,
I’m having a tough time deciding what to do and need your opinions. My dear friend has a son in High School who is facebook friends with my son. A while back, I saw a photo on facebook of my friend’s son and his teammates surrounded by liquor bottles and it was pretty clear they were all drunk. I was worried that the potential college coaches looking at him would see that picture and he might lose out a chance at a scholarship or something, so I told my friend, who is barely on facebook. She was very grateful and the photo was taken down. The problem now is I’ve seen another photo like this, again. My friend was very appreciative of my first “facebook police” act, but I’m afraid I’ll look like an a-hole if I call him out again. I don’t want his mother to feel like I’m telling her she’s a bad mom or anything, I just know she’s not seeing it because she is rarely on facebook. Her son is so talented and I understand boys will be boys, but if he loses a chance at a scholarship, he probably won’t go to college. Do I tell his mom, again? Keep my mouth shut? Imply she should get on facebook more? Help!
About to Bust
Dear About to Bust,
Awh man. Social media has ruined everybody’s fun. Remember the days when you could drink in your parent’s basement and not worry about some douche clown having a damn camera and being “tagged”? You did the right thing by letting your friend know about her son’s escapades, but I think once is enough. If his mom got the first photo taken down, I’m guessing she is pulling a James Bond and sneaking around on facebook masked as some high school hottie named Tiffany and spying on him. I’m sure she will catch his latest pose. If not, then maybe bring up the topic again with her the next time you chat. “Is Budweiser sponsoring Johnny for college? Every time I see a picture of him on facebook he’s holding their product.” She’ll get the hint. If she doesn’t, well, I hear that those air conditioner repair schools let anybody in.
-Miss S
Dear Busted
It sounds to me like your friend probably chatted with her son, but the pictures have been taken and he is now getting tagged in the incriminating photos. You do realize that photos can show up on this boy’s wall, that he did not post, if his friends are tagging him being a booze hag, right?
I would stay out of it. Give this mom some credit and space and let her deal with it how she sees fit. Social Media changes daily and kids and parents need to educate themselves. If you really want to help, maybe you could find a class and invite your friend. Knowledge is power and all parents could use a little power
-Miss K
Dear Internet Stalker -
This kid is not the brightest and you’re sweet to try and protect him. You alerted his mother to an issue that is now her problem. It’s up to her to police her own son (or not). I would forward an article on “how to get your child’s social media ready for the admission office,” but past that, leave it alone. You cannot cop to constantly checking out his Facebook. It makes you look crazy and judgy and shit. Besides, the way hazing rituals are heading at universities these days, scouts may see his ability to binge drink as an added bonus to his athletic skills. It will make it harder for his teammates to kill him with Southern Comfort.
- Miss T
Posted by Miss K on April 16, 2012
Miss K here and I am writing to all the men out there.
Put on your listening ears and try to avoid these little missteps.
I am basically give you a blow by blow of how to avoid a gift debacle.
Heed my warning and DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AS MY LOVING SPOUSE
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My husband is a great guy, but he is a colossal failure in the gift giving department. COLOSSAL. I knew he was a gift moron when I married him, but I had hope. I had faith he would learn and evolve. I was sadly mistaken. Here is what I have learned from over 15 years of poor gift receiving. READ CAREFULLY:
It’s probably NOT a great idea to give your wife an x-box, roku (do they make those any more?), an x-box LIVE subscription and a set of pots and pans for Christmas. This is especially not a great idea to do all in one year as the ONLY gifts you give your loving wife.
Please, DO NOT expect your wife to have a baby ON HER BIRTHDAY and then only celebrate the baby’s day going forward. The excuse, “I can’t top giving you a baby” is not acceptable. (dumbassery)
Might I recommend that you NOT take the family on spring break vacation over your wife’s 40th birthday week and tell her that is her present – DO NOT DO THIS – EVER
Never try to give your wife (or girlfriend at the time – a-hem) a returned piece of jewelry from an old girlfriend or from a friend’s old girlfriend. (ladies this is a sign that things will never improve, it’s also a sign he might be thrifty to the point of a concern)
Try to NOT give your wife a Kindle/iPhone/iPad for a birthday gift and then REPLACE the gift a couple of years later. Be original you lazy bastards. This is called updated re-gifting. See Below.
Re-gifting is a no-no. Please do not re-gift with the new version of the Kindle and then buy her e-books of low quality vampire porn thinking you will get lucky. Biggest. Turn-Off. Ever.
Plan better. It’s advisable to avoid traveling all week, showing up ON her birthday without a gift and then taking a nap. ( Suck it up buttercup and pamper her, you moron, or at least stop at the grocery store and bring her flowers)
Learn from your mis-steps. Don’t make the same mistake year after year. She will eventually decide to buy her own gifts and you will not like the bill or bitching.
Finally, for the love of God, DO NOT use the line “Bad gift giving is my thing baby”. You will get a punch in your man sack.
Let me point out one little fact: Our birthday never changes. Christmas and Anniversary: SAME DAMN DAY EVERY YEAR. It’s not like these occasions sneak up on you like a Ninja. There are CALENDARS, with reminders and alarms that can help you. Gentlemen, it’s not hard to do better. Remember this list and lots of good things will happen for you (Sex, you will get lots and lots of sex). Don’t believe me? Just ask my very frustrated husband.
Posted by Miss K on April 13, 2012
Those Who Can, Do.
Those Who Can’t, Pay Gross Amounts of Cash To Replicate It.
My Dad doesn’t have the build of a hockey player. A life long Detroit Red Wings fan, he purchased season tickets before I was born and long before he could afford them. Despite his savant ability to rattle off stats (which eventually led to a friendship with a famed coach), he’d never have an opportunity be a part of the NHL. So for his 40th birthday, we sent him to a fantasy camp. Dad skated the ice where his heroes bashed their brothers into the boards. He met Captain Steve Yzerman. He even had the chance to sprint to the blue line with old time players. (Those of you who don’t give a shit about sports, stay with me.)
I thought it was brilliant. As years passed more of these programs were created. You can go to “Rock God Guitar Camp” or “Fighter Pilot School.” Those who don’t have the chops to live their dream could walk the walk in the world’s most brilliant (and possibly most expensive) game of “let’s pretend.”
This thinking can be extended to other areas of life. It’s an opportunity to test drive a different lifestyle before you commit to it. Think you should quit your job, drop out and be a goat cheese farmer? There’s a weekend class for that in Vermont. Always wondered what life would be like as a winemaker living in Italy? Tours allowing you to create your own vintage exist.
This week, I applied the method to a lifestyle change I am highly skeptical of – Motherhood. I have a lot of amazing qualities. But permanent selflessness isn’t one of them. I wake up early because I crave espresso. Kids wake up early because they’re covered in pee. I like my hands manicured and poop free. Do we really have anything in common?
With my invention of “Toddler Mom” fantasy camp, I can see how I’d fair with rug rats of my own.
The subjects for this experiment:
Girl: 1 1/2 – Sassy Sweet.
Boy: 4 – Mischievous.
Mom: Best Friend of 20 Years. Laidback.
The day starts early with Boy climbing into my bed and demanding television. I turn on some insane piece of shit show with songs that tell me to kill someone and fall back asleep.
I wake up as ‘Oso’, an incredibly stupid cartoon bear, squirts toothpaste on his own face. I pray any kid I spawn would shun entertainment who can’t correctly use hygiene products. The blond Boy flashes his smile and mentions he’s hungry. I fly to the kitchen to make scrambled eggs. Something I’d never do for my husband. This kid is just so damned cute; I want to make sure he’s fed. I pat myself on the back for the motherly instincts oozing from my pores. He doesn’t want eggs. He wants mac and cheese. I respect and honor his choice.
Girl stands in her crib, curls bouncing, as she tries to escape. I start to rescue her, but am stopped by the smell of her butt. I leave her in captivity and fetch her mother. We need to walk before we can run, folks.
After breakfast, we load the kids into the car and take them to Jungle Java – a place invented by a mother who was driven to drink by kids who don’t sleep through the night. They sell the magical elixir that fuels motherhood – coffee. While the moms suck back lattes, there’s an indoor gym for the kids.
Boy insists I come with him into the soft padded climbing area reminiscent of the physical challenges on Family Double Dare. I shuck my Reed Krakoff boots and last year’s cashmere sweater and follow him dutifully. And I get trapped between the rollers. Like cannot move, pinned between the colorful tubes. The amount of sweating and stretching reminds me of being stuck in a dress in the dressing room at Saks. I know how to release myself. Stay calm and flatten my boobs and raise my arms over my head, wiggling all the while. Once free, I slide down a three story high slide and squeal – a sound not heard since I found Vera Wang flats on sale.
I left him there and marveled he was independent enough to be on his own. Maybe I should skip the infant step and get myself a kindergartner.
Back in the little kids area, Girl scoots around the mats and walks over to a more manageable slide. She plays nice until out of nowhere she dumps her goldfish all over the floor and throws herself flat on the ground, screaming. I’m told this means she’s hungry. I can relate, I have the same response when my flights are delayed.
Lunch was an easy affair. Girl stood in her highchair and laughed when we told her to sit flat. Boy thoughtfully questioned why our food was taking so long to appear. Not in a whiny complaining way – an actual inquiry. He wasn’t wrong. They both fed themselves. Girl also fed me Lady and the Tramp style. I loved it. I’d normally refused spit-covered crackers, but who could resist them coming from her cute face.
So far so good, we returned to the house and prepped for nap.
Nap? For some It.Never.Fucking.Came. Girl went totally ape shit. I considered giving her some Cab Franc to calm her them the fuck down. Her mother told me that was illegal but I could have some if I needed it. Her mother is a genius.
Once we freed Baby Girl from her nap cage, she was happy. She just didn’t want to miss the fun – in our case, the gossip shared between her mom, both her auntie Eric(k)as and myself. I didn’t blame her. The four of us had some juicy shit to discuss. Because it was snowing (in April?) we brought her outdoor playhouse inside into the center of our circle. It was like the Red Tent with Toddlers. She played quietly while we discussed womanly secrets. A brilliant parenting move – way outside the box. I would have gone back to the wine idea eventually. I have a lot to learn from her Mom, a season veteran of the game.
Boy slept for 4 hours. He is my hero.
Dinner was even easier than lunch since neither one of them wanted to eat it. So they didn’t. No whining of being hungry later. Self-control I wish I could harass for my ever present dieting schemes.
Sensing my fatigue, Mom put her daughter to bed while I played trains with the Boy. We made up songs about each one that always ended with “And then they fell off the track.” He gave me zerberts on my arm and laughed. It was a happy fun moment.
We handed bedtime story duty Dad and my day was done. The fantasy camp came to a close with this conclusion: I’m not ready for kids of my own. I *AM* a kid. I have more in common with the toddlers than I do with their mothers. As a special thank you to their Mom for sharing her kids with me, I gave her a taste of “Party Girl Fantasy Camp.” The pitcher of sangria was the gateway to my world. Maybe she’ll want to enroll?
~Miss T
Posted by Miss K on April 11, 2012
Miss S found this little gem from Laughing Squid
This? This is “Airplane Lavatory Self-Portraits in the Flemish Style”. Here is the blurb from the laughing squid.
Our creativity on flights usually consists of creating airline cocktails using mixed nuts. This gal is obviously an over achiever. All we can say is WTF and We KNOW We Love You Nina Katchadourian.
XOXOXO
The Broads
Who are we? A couple of broads, a blog and a bottle of booze. What are The Saucy Bits? We offer the honest advice you need, think of it as a boozy intervention. If you have a question for all of us at The Saucy Bits, please send it to: thesaucybits@gmail.com. 
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