Who Is A More Annoying Guest?
I recently bought a house in the country and I like to pretend I am the Jewish Ina Garten When my houseguests arrive, they’re offered home made snacks with wine pairings. We have a closet dedicated to ‘shit you might have forgotten’, brimming with disposable razors and extra toothbrushes. I ponied up for a Nespresso machine so those addicted to lattes can indulge without anxiety that the nearest Starbucks is 18 miles away.
However in the last few weeks, I’ve experienced two new types of guests – the baby kind and the furry four-legged kind. I was sort of at a loss. If I cannot overfeed and over serve someone, I don’t know how to meet his or her needs. I quickly learned neither like espresso and feeding them gougères would put would put their health at risk. As time as passed, this petless, non-parent was happily surprised at the ease of hosting both. Each pretty damn cute, but with their challenges.
Let’s see how they match up on all the big “Ds”:
Dining – If you want to go out, small dogs can be left at home with the run of a large bathroom including their crate (aka bedroom) and food. I suggested we do the same with someone’s baby, but I guess it’s pretty frowned upon. On the flip side, children are not legally prohibited from brunch like most animals are. You don’t have to call ahead to ask if you can bring your kid. As for what they are putting in their little bodies….. Puppies have to eat gross smelling crap, while infants nurse or bottle feed (not my problem). The ones who have moved on to real food can consume most of the same stuff as me.
Edge – Babies
Dreamland – Little guys wake up in the middle of the night demanding to be soothed and fed. Sometimes Mommy and Daddy fight over whose turn it is to give Junior a bottle. Dogs stay asleep at your feet and keep you warm. Sometimes they step on your head, but it’s so adorable you laugh your way back to sleep.
Edge – Puppies.
Danger of Damage – I was pretty sensitive to this since all of my stuff is new. Toddlers can break shit, but with the right parenting, your crystal vase can quickly be swapped out for a toy. Animals, without actual hands, cannot grab breakables, but could knock something over with their exuberance. Plus their nails scratch up the upholstery. Yet puppies come with less stress since no one expects you to dog-proof your house.
Both teams leave nose prints on all of the windows.
Edge – Wash. (Literally and for the match up)
Decibel Level – Babies cry. Puppies bark. Miss T drinks.
Edge – Miss T. Or after four drinks, who cares!
Defecation – With either party it can happen at any time. Little pooping people are slightly more contained in diapers or pull-ups or whatever. Dog owners have to deal with wee wee pads and outdoor walks and waiting and picking up crap off the street. Parents change diapers.
Edge – Babies.
By a slight margin, babies win the contest. But both look incredibly cute in things I buy them. And go to sleep early leaving time for the grown ups to enjoy the apple infused bourbon I made them without distraction.