Yes, I read all of the 50 Shades Books. Every poorly written, smutty word of them, yes I did. Hate it, love it or pretend you never read it – 50 Shades of Grey got your motor running. Suburban moms are eating this up and we want more. It’s not shameful to fill your kindle with little pieces of smutty crack reading. It is filling a need. Mommy Porn is necessary in the suburbs because our reality is not sexy. Let’ be honest, without a vodka tonic, sex would be extinct out here in the country. Sex in the suburbs is a lot less Christian Grey and a hell of a lot more Nantucket Grey, the historical paint collection. Let’s compare and contrast shall we?
Book: Ana has an issue biting her lip, which sends Christian into a full-on sex frenzy.
Suburban Sex: If I bite my lip in a seductive way it’s to get chocolate cake off my lip, now that shit is sexy.
Book: For some reason a highly educated, successful man signs e-mails “laters baby” and it’s suppose to be hot. I skipped this crap to find the sex scenes.
Suburban Sex: If my husband said “Laters Baby” I would be convinced he had taken up smoking the wacky weed on the way to the train. He’s a 45 year-old man who wears embroidered belts. Leave “Laters Baby” for the punks, it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue of a preppy suburban Dad.
Tied up in knots
Book: Ana gets tied up with Christian’s tie and a few other bits of hardware store finery.
Suburban Sex: Suburban husbands wouldn’t waste a good tie, or god forbid need to send it for dry cleaning, to tie up their woman. The only and I mean ONLY reason a suburban man ties up a suburban woman is to restrain her credit card hand at an outlet mall. Truth. Sidenote: I am pretty sure Vineyard Vines ties aren’t dirty enough for playing a game of tie me up tie me down. Is my husband’s bow tie dirty enough for cocktails at the club with Buffy and Biff?
Ooooh, yes that whale tie is extra dirty for dry martinis.
Book: Christian likes to give a good spanking.
Suburban Sex: Our men get twitchy palms now and again too, it’s called wanting to punish the kid after they break the husband’s expensive electronic gadget. (no children were harmed in the writing of this post)
The Drawer of Magical Delights
Book: Christian has a special room and in that special room is a drawer full of magical delights he likes to share with Ana.
Suburban Sex: There isn’t a drawer, there is a box and that box is in the way back of the closet and there is NO sharing. The Magical Delights box is only for that special alone time when you are reading 50 Shades of Grey.
Crazy Ex Girlfriends
Book: Poor Christian has a mentally unstable ex and Dungeon Mentor Cougar ex. His list is long and all have legal documentation.
Suburban Sex: We don’t have a crazy exes problem in the suburbs. We have a “let’s have sex with our pool boy, trainer, lawn guy” problem. From what I can tell most husbands are a-ok with this arrangement since they work late a lot or maybe they have a trainer too.
Book: Ana, a college graduate, is a virgin and only has sex with Christian.
Suburban Sex: 21 Year-Old Virgin = Unicorns
Book: Ana has an inner goddess that helps her get ready for sexy time. Think “devil on my shoulder”
Suburban Sex: Suburban chicks killed their inner goddess after she recommended one of the following: “that sexy short haircut during the last month of pregnancy” or “permanent tattoo eyeliner, because that will never go out of style”. Yeah, we cut the bitch in our twenties.
How Does A Uterus Work?
Book: Ana can’t figure out where babies come from, ends up pregnant and gets married.
Suburban Sex: We all know where babies come from, the fancy doctor in the city of course.
A closet full of clothes
Book: Christian gives Ana her own room and a closet full of designer, perfectly sized clothes. She complains that she can’t sleep in his room and wants to buy her own clothes.
Suburban Sex: This girl is a MORON. I would give my right arm for my own room and clothes I didn’t have to buy myself at Target.
Back to my own room, that would be the sexiest thing a Suburban Man could do for his lady… so hot… so restful… just a Suburban woman, her pile of Mommy porn and a fresh pack of double a batteries. A girl can dream can’t she?