Xmas Super Edition of Saucy Bits – Kissing Cousins


KeithMorrisonSNLDear Broads,

I have an awkward relationship with my boyfriend’s cousin, who lives 5 hours away. When we first started dating almost 4 years ago and I started going to their family functions, she made a strong point of expressing herself by never making eye contact with me or verbally acknowledging my presence, even in front of other family. The last time this happened was two years ago.

Fast forward, I have been invited as a guest to this girl’s wedding and to her very intimate family bridal shower (as the boy and I are also about to get engaged). I was told to write up a cute story of my favorite memory to share with the group.

I’m at a loss as to what to say at the bridal shower, seeing as how the very little interaction we’ve had has been extremely negative. If I ”fake it,” what to write? THANKS!

~E

Dear E,

Is it possible that you’re not real?  Or like…a ghost Sixth Sense style? (Spoiler aleeeeert, oops.)  If she cannot see you due to your lack of corporeal body, we can’t really hold her accountable for her lack of eye contact or direct conversation.

However if you are in fact a person who is alive and stuff, you have two options.

1.  Don’t go. It’s 5 hours away; you can surely make up some excuse to beg off.  I’m sure your future fiancée won’t really care. His Mom might, but men don’t really get involved in events that include mushy story telling, tea sammies and thongs with BRIDE spelled out in rhinestones.  If she doesn’t like you anyway, no one will miss you.  Send a thoughtful gift.

2.  Use this as a creative exercise and make something up.  Write about the time at the family dinner / BBQ/ Thanksgiving where the cousin had too much Pinot Gris and how funny and cute she sounded when she warbled “God Bless America’ in a Mickey Mouse voice.  Or talk about how welcome she makes you feel at family functions and how out of everyone in your boyfriend’s family, you feel most comfortable with her.  Maybe squeeze out a tear regarding how happy it makes you to see her so happy? Everyone will oooh and aaah at the sentimentality of it all and maybe this chick will be nicer in the future.  Just don’t do TOO good a job or you could end up as a Bridesmaid and we all know how Miss T feels about THAT.

~Miss T

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Miss E,

Okay, so if she lives 5 hours away from you, I immediately get the feeling that she lives in the boonies and is one of those “special cousins” who doesn’t just “love” her cousin, she “loves him, loves him”.  I think the cold shoulder business she has been giving you is because she is pissed that she is not the one marrying your fiancé.  Those types like to keep it in the family. Darlin’ it’s not you she doesn’t like, it’s the IDEA of you.  Frankly, I think she’s inviting you to her shower to introduce you to her fiancé with the hopes of you two hitting it off so you’ll leave your sweetie so she can have your man all to herself.  Either that or she wants to kill you by filling you with moonshine, whacking you over the head with a tractor part and dumping you in the outhouse.  Watch your back.  This girl is never going to be your friend.  She is never going to like you, even if you’re going to be family.  You could write something lovely and complimentary, but it won’t help.  My suggestion is not writing anything and if you’re asked why (which I doubt anyone will, because this beauty sounds like she’s got more enemies than friends…. btw “very intimate family shower” is code for “she has no friends because no one likes her so immediate family has to throw her a shower”) just mention how you are looking forward to having an actual conversation with her one day and creating memories with her when you’re officially family or some crap like that.

~Miss S

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Dear E,

Do you hear that?  It’s banjo music.  OMG OMG OMG… you are totally going to end up on the ID channel on the Dateline reruns with the creepy dude telling the story of your demise.  Miss S is right, this girl is a jealous kissing cousin or at least wishes she was kissing her cousin.  This “intimate family” only shower might be your induction into the “special” family relationship.  This family seems a tad too close, uncomfortably close.  It’s time for you to get a nasty case of the runs or projectile vomit because you need to get out of this event.  My advice, avoid the kissing cousin at all costs.

~Miss K

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